Be Careful What You Ask For

A blur of sick days, one blending into the next.
In one of my last posts I said I wish someone would take away all my needs so I could parent more effectively. My sweet girl is sick, sick, sick, scary sick, can’t keep anything down fever sick…and I got what I wanted but this wasn’t what I meant. My needs have all disappeared except for the need to see her get better. At first we thought she had the flu. She has never been sick for more than 24 hours before. Michael has Nigel and I spent the day snuggled down with Mikaela and lightly rubbing her forehead. For me this is the ultimate in health care. I fault my mother for many things but what she got right was how she cared for us when we were sick. There was something about seeing us down and hurting that softened her heart. I can remember the feel of her cool hand rubbing my forehead and saying, I would take this sickness away if I could. Flat, warm coke with a bendy straw, cinnamon toast cut into triangles and ice chips chopped in great grandma’s yellow aluminum ice grinder. These were the cure-alls of my youth. I rub Mikaela’s forehead. She can’t keep water down so the other remedies are useless.

Sunday
She is on day 7 of being sick. Truly, this is ‘normal’ flu period, it just feels like she has been sick for weeks.
In the morning I take Nigel to Temenos where my friend Elizabeth planned a baby blessing for Nigel. Mikaela was supposed to present him, but they were stuck with just me. It was very sweet. I am always touched with the questions children have about adoption. They are so curious and so honest. Nigel was the model baby for the event. When I arrived he stared at everyone with his big eyes and clutched on to me from the safety of the sling. During the children’s talk he showed them all his tricks- he smiled, stood up on his own, waved and managed to grab a tambourine from under the alter and start banging on it. After that he fell asleep and looked adorable during the rest of the service. Elizabeth’s talk was about personal trajectories and involved the reading of many of my favorite poets. Thank you Elizabeth for giving me a break from the infirmary and reminding me of how much I love poetry.
Back at home things were escalating. Mikaela still could not keep anything down.

Hours pass and I watch her sleep. She is so hot and dry to the touch. Everything stops. I have nothing to do except for Mikaela. Nothing else matters. I don’t want to be sick, she moans. Mikaela, instead of saying what you don’t want, try saying what you do want. Try I want to feel good. She pulls the covers over her head. Later I hear her whisper, I want to feel better. My sister calls and is increasingly nervous about Mikaela and keeps talking about the big snowstorm that is coming, how we will not be able to go to the hospital in the storm. She is encouraging me to take her to the ER right now. I frantically call friends for advice, for homeopathic remedies for something to make this turn around. I try several remedies. I spoon feed her raw honey in water. It comes right back up. I rub her belly. My pink hand on her yellow belly. I cover us both with the comforter and watch her sleep. Please get better. My mind won’t shut off. I haven’t seen my father in a week. I get a call each morning from his private duty nurse telling me how his night was. It is not enough, but there is not enough of me to go around. I have spent almost no time with Nigel. He has gotten only Daddy time, which is probably okay and needed also. My house is in whatever state it is in, extreme disarray, and I don’t care. A young person at OC has died ‘suddenly and accidentally'. I can only think of the precarious balance of life. I rub Mikaela’s forehead and cannot even imagine losing her. The world feels like a dangerous and ominous place. suddenly and accidentally. Tragedy is lurking in every corner and I feel scared and can’t sleep. suddenly and accidentally. I check on everyone. Michael is asleep, Nigel is snoring, Mikaela is hot but sleeping. I let Wanda out and stare at the snow falling. suddenly and accidentally.
In our little world it is just the two of us. Warm bodies meeting. I try to send Mikaela healing love and her little body works to beat this.

Monday
She is worse and weaker. We head to the ER. The snow is not so bad, just enough to make the whole experience feel so surreal. Mikaela begs not to go, cries and falls asleep in the car. I carry her into the ER and Mikaela has Nigel in the Ergo and goes to fill out the paperwork. I am overwhelmed with feeling responsible. As though she can sense this she says, It’s my fault I am sick. I tell her no, no way, this is not your fault. She won’t explain her thinking. Several hours later after IV fluids, she is a new girl. She is hungry for the first time in a week and has half a soft pretzel that my sister brings her. Before we leave she asks if she can walk in circles.

Tuesday
She is back to not eating anything because her tummy hurts. Thankfully she is drinking and keeping it down.
When is my Pony Package EVER going to get here? Mikaela laments at seeing an empty mailbox again. Anyone who knows Mikaela knows she is crazy for horses. Her generous Aunt Kris gave her a monthly subscription for a Pony Package that sends chapter books, horse kitsch and posters. She loves it. Each time she gets it she curls up with the books and doesn’t resurface until they are finished.
It feels like I haven’t been able to gallop for years! she says.
I know baby, it is hard to be sick for so long. My daughter often spends half her day on all fours. Mom, I am a falabella with one white sock and a star on my forehead. Sometimes she is a different horse each hour. Nigel is often her little foal who is 'an hour or a minute old.'

Wednesday
The fever comes and goes. It is a slow recovery. I wish we had Heidi or Mary Poppins, Mikaela tells me. I want to watch something sweet. We settle for the first half of The Sound of Music.

Thursday
She is still sick but today ate breakfast for the first time. We are going uphill now, a little better each day. We are like bears hibernating away from the world. We nap together several times a day, Mikaela, Nigel and I curled up together. This afternoon I wake up to Mikaela gently rubbing her hand across my forehead. I am feeling better she tells me and smiles.

Friday
I hear Mikaela upstairs waking up with Michael and Nigel. She is WHINNYING!! The gallop can't be far away.