Getting my groove back

I didn't think about shooting this dish until I was about to eat it so I didn't style it. The pictures aren't great but it was too good not to share.


I just had three days of staff training where I didn't eat breakfast and barely had time for even a small bite of lunch after wrangling Nigel. I was ready for a really good meal. I am finally feeling better so I actually had enough energy to cook tonight. And I made a feast! Mikaela turned up her nose at it and the damn husband said the salmon was cooked well but shrugged off any other comments. Nigel and I loved it. I made miso-crusted salmon with fennel salad from Donna Hay's book, Cooking Off the Shelf and I partnered it with Double Broccoli Quinoa from Heidi's 101 Cookbook. I improvised on both a bit. On the quinoa I skipped the lemon juice and used a dash of milk instead of heavy cream. I topped it with fresh basil. The fennel salad called for fish oil which I was out of so I used a bit of hoisin sauce instead. They both came out great and I served them with mashed sweet potatoes. I can't wait to have the leftovers tomorrow. All this and I am up past 10pm too. Wow, I must be getting my groove back. It will be a long time before I take my health for granted.

My First Brew

My first batch of kombucha is done. I am very proud.. I made it with half ginger tea and it is delicious. Now I have two more batches fermenting.

Can't Get Enough Contrast

Reading the New York Times this weekend, I was reminded in a very obvious way of the contrasts that exist in this world: a page spread showed bomb victims in Kabul and a model lounging in cashmere. (She just can't get enough cashmere)



It started me thinking about contrast in many manifestations.
The financial stress I feel compared to the poverty level in Ethiopia.
The calm graceful energy of Mikaela and the nonstop exuberance of Nigel.
The way I want to be and the way I actually am.
The joy I feel about Yaebsira and the fear I have about Yaebsira.
The organization I dream about in my mind and the chaos of my household.
All the things I want to do compared to the tiny amount of time I have to do them.
My cancer scare compared to my friend's recurrence.
The health I want and the way I am feeling.

Life is filled with contrast and today I am grateful for the wonderful things I have in my life and the awareness that the pain of contrast is mostly created in my own mind.

Kombucha

Two cheer for Kombucha, the health elixir. (oh please, let it be my health cure!)
I am waiting for my first brew to ferment. Thanks Laura for giving me the scoby. (symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeasts)

Ask me how many children I have

Today for the first time, I can say, I have three children. Yaebsira Temesgen is legally our daughter. I am in shock. After ten months I really thought this would never happen. Nigel’s adoption was smooth, but all along the way Yaebsira’s situation was complicated. When I felt like giving up, I would remember her sweet laugh, her Ethiopian pout face and the feel of her arms wrapped around my neck. It has been ten months since her referral, eight months since I have seen her and it will be at least two more months before we see her again. We do not have our US embassy date which determines travel. So much to take in so fast! I better start feeling better FAST. I might need a miracle. One miracle has already happened: she is ours. Now we just need two more: one for health and one for finances. I have never been one to take the path of least resistance.

So, introducing the latest member of our family. Yaebsira Temesgen. Finally I can say, that our family is complete.

My beautiful, sweet girl








Do you think she is giving him a face massage?


Wish Mikaela could have been in this picture. I can't wait to have a picture of my girls together.


Yaebsira getting her hair done. Wow, Something else I have to learn to do!! Her hair is so beautiful.


The sunglasses are from a little care package we gave her.



This is my new T-shirt. I think I deserve it.

Dinner Time Improvization

I brewed up a little spontaneous chili today. I was remembering the great chili Marie Goodwin made for me when we had just gotten home with Nigel. It was so good and of course, like most good cooks, she couldn’t give me the recipe because she just threw it together. Is this really true? Or do the good cooks just say this so they can keep their fabulous recipes a secret. Come on Marie, fess up! With Marie’s chili in mind and ground turkey in the frig, I came up with this. It includes things I happen to have on hand.

Turkey Chili

(All ingredient amounts are improvisational)

1 onion, chopped
garlic, lots, chopped
olive oil
ground turkey
tomato sauce
a couple of fresh tomatoes from the garden, chopped
2 cans Trader Joe’s Cuban black beans (with the liquid- it includes some yummy spices)
2 T almond butter
1 T cocoa
1 green pepper, chopped
2 large carrots, chopped
chili powder (and berbere if you dare)
fresh cilantro
Himalayan salt, if needed
Ground almonds to sprinkle on top

Heat up the onion and garlic in a large pot until onions are soft and everything smells good. Add the turkey and cook on low. When the turkey is almost cooked add some tomato sauce, the fresh tomatoes, the black beans with juice and some water. Stir in the almond butter and cocoa when everything is nice and hot. Add the green pepper and carrots. Sprinkle in chili powder, as much as you dare. We are used to spicy Ethiopia food now so I use berbere and chili powder. Yum. Add fresh cilantro and serve. Sprinkle with ground almonds. Even better the second day.





Tomorrow is my CSA pick up so we have very little greens left. I wanted something raw so this is what I came up with. I am in the middle of an elimination diet so I can’t have dairy. The avocado mayo was listed on the elimination work sheet my doctor gave me. I thought it would be a good coleslaw alternative to regular mayo. I was right. The color is so pretty and the taste is good too.

Beet Coleslaw

½ red cabbage
4 or five radishes
one large beet or several small beets
salt and pepper
avocado mayonnaise

Grate the first three ingredients. Add salt and pepper to taste and add a few tablespoons of avocado mayo. Love that color.


Avocado Mayonnaise

1 avocado
½ cup olive oil *
2 garlic cloves
1 t chopped onion
1 t curry powder
¼ cup water

Blend all ingredients in a food processor at high speed until smooth. Chill.
* the original recipe called for 1 cup of olive oil. I changed it to ½ cup olive oil plus ¼ cup of water. Add more water if it seems too thick.


My nana was famous for her coleslaw. Whenever my mother tried to make her recipe she always lamented that it was never as good as Nana's. One day my mom saw her secretly adding sugar to the coleslaw. Imagine, holding out on your own daughter! If you want a little boost to this recipe, try adding a little sugar or honey. (but don't tell anyone!)

When I was dying

This is my kidney.
This is what I thought was my kidney on cancer.
This is my kidney with a renal deformity, cause unknown.



I love thunderstorms- the heavy boom of thunder that vibrates in my chest. The storm is directly overhead. Lightening illuminates the room the same time the thunder crashes. Nature mirroring my feelings. 5 am, the rare time when I am alone, a time for me to check in with myself. Here I am.


This is my summer of dying.
I had not been feeling well for a long time. It was a slow progression that I tried to ignore. Finally, it had gotten so bad I couldn't ignore it. I went to the doctor and the circus began. During staff training in June I had the first ultrasound, which led to a CAT scan and an unexpected diagnosis: urothelial neoplasm of the left kidney-a rare and deadly form of cancer. It felt surreal. My kidneys were not part of my health complaint. Everyone seemed to feel that this cancer was an accidental finding and not related to my symptoms. When I tried to discuss my symptoms again with my doctor his response was “the cancer trumps everything else” Great. So, feeling horrible and adding a 10 to 20% survival rate for this type of cancer to the mix, I begin proactive treatments prescribe by my doctor: IV vitamin drips, home injections and mega-doses of vitamins and herbs and I start shopping around for the best surgeon.

Things slowed down, even before I cleared my schedule. There was a heightened state of awareness with everything I did. I frantically reached out to some friends for help in the beginning and then stopped. I kept thinking of the line from J.D. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye, “Don’t ever tell anyone anything. If you do, you will start missing everyone.“ Instead I cocooned myself with my children. I realized I have been missing myself for a long time. When did this start to happen? I see another doctor, I have another test. This doc says he is ‘under whelmed’ but still talks about the surgery procedure. When the kids are sleeping I read Love, Medicine and Miracles by Dr. Bernie Segal and Ken Wilber’s Grace and Grit. During my low moments I imagine others who could mother my children and think perhaps they would do a better job. I eat raw; I buy wheatgrass. I contemplate a surgery that will remove my left kidney and ureter. I question everything in my life. I mull over Siegel’s list of characteristics of cancer survivors and know I am missing many of them and wonder how to obtain them quickly. I have an MRI and head to Jefferson hospital to see one of the countries best kidney surgeons. His diagnosis: Renal deformity, not cancer.

“You have a new lease on life”, my family and doctors tell me. I stare at my shelf of megavitamins; I continue reading Grace and Grit. I am greatly relieved yet, I can’t come out of this quiet place. I still feel as bad physically as when this circus started weeks ago and I am surviving without the characteristics of a survivor. What does that mean for how I am living and for what I am teaching my children? How do I get back to where I need to be? So now, round two starts- trying to make it through each day and trying to find out what is going so wrong in my body. I start each day feeling like I just took two sleeping pills (and I haven’t!).

Every illness is a gift, an opportunity to recognize a wrong path taken, and energy lost. I spend the rest of the summer following the trajectory of my life and trying to heal my body and comfort my mind. I spend most days alone with my children. We create our own world and although I didn’t think it was possible, my love for them grows. I investigate my paths taken and not, my jobs, my relationships, my dreams, my achievements; I dissect my short comings, my fears. I tune into my body and try to remember who I am. Somehow I have gotten lost, which is okay because it is reminding me where I need to be. I am learning to listen to myself again. I start reading random old journals for clues. I find my old notes from Joseph Aldo, the medical intuitive I worked with in NYC and have a reawakening. Slowly, slowly, I start to come out of this. I start to feel a little better. My doctor appointments are now secondary to my own intuition for what my body needs. I work on cleansing my body and quieting my mind. I revive my daily meditation practice. I start to take back my life.