I love stockings. My fondest Christmas memory involves waking up Christmas morning and finding my stocking at the foot of my bed. Michael and Mikaela with their stockings before they are fully awake.
Nothing beats that look of joy when she comes downstairs and sees that Santa has been here.
Mikaela relishing her new horse stable
Christmas morning with a good cup of coffee- a great combination! I am wearing my new polka dot sling from Santa.
I spent an hour looking for a poem that I wrote years ago about Christmas. I couldn’t find it. The poem was about an old cassette tape I had found recording Christmas morning when I was young. My sister’s voices were filled with teenager angst and sarcasm “oh great a flannel nightgown, like we get every year.” And my child voice was filled with giggles. “I got everything I’ve ever wanted”
Mikaela was at that age this Christmas when everything was exciting. “Santa knows just what I love” That wonderful feeling of magic, fulfilled by peppermints in the foot of her stocking and many dollar store gifts and thrift shop finds under the tree.The best gift was a horse stable. (Thanks Stacey! Christmas was saved!!) Do you remember that feeling of magic when everything felt perfect? I remember. I asked Santa for a red wagon and I got one!!! Wishes come true. Months ago Mikaela said maybe she would get her brother for Christmas. I remember shaking my head and telling her it wouldn’t happen that soon and now here we are leaving January 2nd to pick him up and bring him home.
Bonnie came over yesterday to bring me some supplies for my trip. For me this was such a gift, the supplies were great but the company was worth so much more! I felt so lucky to sit over tea and chat with someone who really knew what I was feeling days away from picking up my son and meeting my daughter- she is a well-seasoned adoptive parent. It feels like months since I have been able to speak with anyone about how I feel.
The Damn husband put a stop to this right after we received our travel date for Temesgen: “If you are going to be a freak for weeks you are going to make all of us insane.” I get that I was making him insane. He has his own worries and wants and needs that occupy his mind. What I wanted was to sit down and share with him all the things that I was thinking and feeling and get all the fear and worry and happiness out and hear about what he was thinking. He was exhausted just looking at me so it didn’t go any further. Last night Bonnie kept trying to leave and somehow we would fall back into conversation for another twenty minutes. I slept through the night last night for the first time in weeks. Thanks Bonnie. I realize I have been so lonely. Some friendships have shifted lately and I am left feeling responsible but not knowing what has caused the change. In this tumultrious time I feel disconnected and alone. Do I have the superpowers to mother three children successfully? Can I make the leap from the way I was raised to the way I want to raise my children? Where is my cape?
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