Hair

When I read the articles and the blog posts condemning Angelina Jolie for taking very bad care of her daughter, Zahara’s hair my stomach tightened. I am grateful I am far from famous so no one writes stories about me.They just occasionally glare at me when I am out with my children. Now that I have a son from Ethiopia, I can never again casually neglect hair. I do so only after weighing the risks and there are several for me.

Pre-Nigel, hair occupied very little of my attention, although that was not the case when I was younger. Growing up, my hair was always wrong according to the popular style of the day. It was too wavy to ever be straightened into the perfect Marsha Brady hair although lord knows I tried. Now, I am beyond caring. I cut my own hair. The last haircut I got was from a hairdresser my friends recommended. I really liked the guy. We had a great time talking about music and local town events. There is a great Italian specialty food store next to his salon so I was drinking a cappuccino as I got my hair cut. It was reasonably priced too. The only problem was I didn’t like my cut. I spent a long time (too long?) explaining what I wanted but the results were not what I wanted. I held myself accountable due to poor hair communication skills. I went back, because I really liked him; I really wanted to get my hair cut there. Three days later I cut it again myself into the style I wanted and there has been no turning back. Any hairdresser who inspects it would roll his/her eyes for sure because the truth is I know nothing about cutting hair. Finally there is an advantage to having wavy hair- it hides uneven cuts. When my hair color was looking shabby I again took matters into my own hands. How would it look to go back to get a color at the salon when I was cutting my own hair? I was at the dollar store and saw hair coloring for sale. (For a dollar!) It looked good on the box. Well, how bad could it be?

Even my husband was worried. “Are you sure you want to do this? It could be pretty bad.”

I took the plunge and loved the results. It cracks me up that I have gotten stopped three times by people asking where I get my hair done. I love telling them the truth.

I wash my hair every three or four days, more than that and it looks like straw. Same with my daughter and I wash my son's hair even less. Thanks to Honeysmoke, I now wash my hair with Dr. Bronner’s. On her blog she shared that she uses it for her daughters' hair. I can’t believe I never thought of washing our hair with it. It is the only soap we use in our house but we have never used it as a shampoo. The lavender fragrance is wonderful and I love the no chemical clean especially for my kids. Now I am thrilled to only have one bottle on the edge of my tub instead of several different shampoo bottles.

Mikaela, the budding photographer took this picture of my hair while we were in the car.

I now cut my husband’s hair too. His mass of curls also hides a multitude of mistakes and Michael loves the convenience and the financial savings.

My daughter’s hair is long. Very long. She loves the length because it is like a horse’s mane and she spends the majority of her time either being a horse or reading about horses. She has strong opinions about her hair. Sometimes she wants it pulled back in a ponytail because for her it is indeed going to be a part of a pony. Other times she wants me to French braid it at night so when we take it out in the morning it is full and wavy ‘fairy’ hair. And then there are the days when she has better things to do and will not sit for a hair styling. She has plans and ideas; she doesn’t have time to sit still. I let her have it her way. Once when heading to my mother’s she did not want her hair being brushed. I knew the comments I would get so I tried to push the issue. “Mikaela, I need to brush your hair. It looks like a bird’s nest.” She ran to the mirror. “Cool. Maybe a bird will try to land in it.” And she skipped off in an imaginary world that included plumbed creatures snuggling into her unkempt tresses and I laughed and let it go. Of course, later at my mother’s I heard the expected comment: “Don’t you own a brush?” My daughter laughed and shrugged and so did I. “Today, I want my hair to be a bird’s nest”, she said, and I was proud of her for thinking for herself, for not caring what other people think. I am an unschooler precisely because I want my children to grow up as independent free thinkers.

And then, there is my son’s hair.

Most of the time now I don’t leave the house without paying special attention to my son’s hair even if it will make us late. How crazy is that? Maybe not crazy at all. I can’t decide. I love my son’s curls. They are so soft and springy. I don’t want to cut them. When I spend time on them everyday they do not get dangled so it is easier on both of us to keep this daily ritual. I have to be honest, this daily ritual has more to do with other people than it does about tangles. As a white woman raising a black child I often feel scrutinized wherever I go. Take the other day for example. I was at the library and an African American woman was watching my son and I read books.

She smiled. “She’s beautiful”, she said. “How old is she?” I felt the knot of fear grow in my stomach. I didn’t think Nigel looked particularly girly in his cargo pants but he was wearing a purple sweater and purple crocs. With babies and toddlers it is often hard to tell and I have been mistaken many times with other people’s children.

“Thanks”, I said smiling back. “This is my son, Nigel. He is 18 months”

Her smile faded immediately and she looked at me in disgust. “Cut his hair.” She stormed off before I could respond.

My Ethiopian friend, Gete has the same response without the anger when I ask her about how I can better maintain Nigel’s curls. “I’ll shave him for you”, she says even when I say I like his curls and want to keep them. All three of her boys have very close cut hair.

I try not to lead my life according to what others think. Do I have to do that with my son’s hair. Can I keep his curls because I like them, is that reason enough? Or do I have to cut it short so as not to cause any more attention? I don’t want to be culturally insensitive. But I really love his curls. I wet his hair every morning in the sink, something that always makes him laugh. He loves to play with the water stream as I add conditioning oil to his hair and finger through the curls.

The truth is, I believe in equal neglect. If I am late for homeschooling co-op (like I am now because I am writing this post instead of getting dressed) both my children and I might leave the house without hair care. No one at the co-op will judge me for my son’s hair, although there are probably a few people who have judgments about the fact that I use a chemical color product on my hair. Wherever you go, there will be critics. Hopefully I will find a place that feels right for me and right for family that will not cause me undue stress in public. Is there such a thing?

For now my son loves to have his hair done. What will happen when he no longer enjoys it? I let my daughter chose if she wants her hair braided or let it fly free. Will I do the same for him? Or will I tell him that what others think matters more than his own feelings? I hope I make the right choice.