Christmas memories

Opening stockings
I love stockings. My fondest Christmas memory involves waking up Christmas morning and finding my stocking at the foot of my bed. Michael and Mikaela with their stockings before they are fully awake.


Nothing beats that look of joy when she comes downstairs and sees that Santa has been here.


Mikaela relishing her new horse stable


Christmas morning with a good cup of coffee- a great combination! I am wearing my new polka dot sling from Santa.


I spent an hour looking for a poem that I wrote years ago about Christmas. I couldn’t find it. The poem was about an old cassette tape I had found recording Christmas morning when I was young. My sister’s voices were filled with teenager angst and sarcasm “oh great a flannel nightgown, like we get every year.” And my child voice was filled with giggles. “I got everything I’ve ever wanted”
Mikaela was at that age this Christmas when everything was exciting. “Santa knows just what I love” That wonderful feeling of magic, fulfilled by peppermints in the foot of her stocking and many dollar store gifts and thrift shop finds under the tree.The best gift was a horse stable. (Thanks Stacey! Christmas was saved!!) Do you remember that feeling of magic when everything felt perfect? I remember. I asked Santa for a red wagon and I got one!!! Wishes come true. Months ago Mikaela said maybe she would get her brother for Christmas. I remember shaking my head and telling her it wouldn’t happen that soon and now here we are leaving January 2nd to pick him up and bring him home.

Bonnie came over yesterday to bring me some supplies for my trip. For me this was such a gift, the supplies were great but the company was worth so much more! I felt so lucky to sit over tea and chat with someone who really knew what I was feeling days away from picking up my son and meeting my daughter- she is a well-seasoned adoptive parent. It feels like months since I have been able to speak with anyone about how I feel.
The Damn husband put a stop to this right after we received our travel date for Temesgen: “If you are going to be a freak for weeks you are going to make all of us insane.” I get that I was making him insane. He has his own worries and wants and needs that occupy his mind. What I wanted was to sit down and share with him all the things that I was thinking and feeling and get all the fear and worry and happiness out and hear about what he was thinking. He was exhausted just looking at me so it didn’t go any further. Last night Bonnie kept trying to leave and somehow we would fall back into conversation for another twenty minutes. I slept through the night last night for the first time in weeks. Thanks Bonnie. I realize I have been so lonely. Some friendships have shifted lately and I am left feeling responsible but not knowing what has caused the change. In this tumultrious time I feel disconnected and alone. Do I have the superpowers to mother three children successfully? Can I make the leap from the way I was raised to the way I want to raise my children? Where is my cape?

The Lodge

Winter Solstice at Ashland.




I tried to forget all the things I had to do and escaped with Mikaela for the weekend. I realized that this will be the last time Mikaela and I will spend time alone together before our family gets bigger and more complicated. I feel a great deal of sadness around this. I want to hold onto this time I have with her. She is excited to have a new brother and sister but I know she has no concept of how much her life will be changing. I’m sure there will be times when she begs me to send them back.

The damn husband was grumpy and bailed. When I first asked him about the trip weeks ago he said it sounded like fun but that was when it was far away. Up close he began making excuses. He wanted to have time to work on his music and said his skin was too dry- it was too cold- this is my thing not his- and then he starts his broken record of: you want me to be just like you and now I am going to pay for it if I’m not - they are your friends not mine- everyone will be eating rabbit food- now you will try to make me feel guilty for not going, blah, blah. I made the mistake of saying as we are heading out the door that I wish he were coming which started this particular rampage. It is always something I do that ‘makes him” flip. He makes leaving him easy by making me so angry that I leave with the fantasy that I am running away from home forever. Damn husband. I actually felt sorry for him when it turned out he had to stay home and work instead of playing music. So he had quality time with Wanda (the dog) and Mikaela and I were off for a weekend adventure.


We joined ten other families sleeping over also- it was a giant slumber Party! As soon as I saw the large room filled with bunk beds I was instantly thrown into thoughts about the orphanage in Ethiopia where the children sleep two to a bed in a room set up in a similar way. I spent the night listening to the sound of others sleeping and imagined how it is for my daughter, Yaebsera to sleep each night. I wonder who her bedmate is. I wonder about so many things about her…



Bird watching, great food, wonderful women knitting and chatting, music and stories by the fire, cutting snowflakes, dressing up in clothes and masks from the Lenape Indians. And just slowing down for a little while. I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends.




Everything seems so easy here. How can I make cooking feel like so much fun at home? That would be easy. Cook for this gang instead of my family that complains about everything I make!

Here is one prepared mama!! She's got her tools of the trade and she is camping in style!!!


Paul took us on a night hike and taught us about visual purple, the way our eyes adjust to seeing in the dark. It took about twenty minutes for our eyes to refocus completely so that we could see without any flashlights. When our eyes are without light our rods fill up with liquid and enable us to see in the dark. I’m sure the full moon helped but this was really amazing.

Mikaela: I’m like a cat and I can see in the dark.
Jonah: I can see better at night then I can during the day.
They look at each other as thought they have just met their soul mate. They hold hands and run in front of the group skipping easily on the path with their purple vision.

Thanks Megan for organizing this trip. The timing was perfect. Now I am off to pack for Ethiopia and prepare for the new life we have chosen.